Once upon a time I thought infertility was destroying my faith. I didn’t realize that true faith is indestructible. The part of me that was crumbling? It wasn’t, nor had it ever been, faith.
James knew this truth, which is why he instructed the church in James 1 to, “Count it all joy when you face trials of various kinds…”
Count it joy, Natasha, when you face infertility.
If you had told me this seven years ago, I would have smiled and nodded, and then cried myself to sleep that night. Because it wasn’t joyful. It was horrible.
Ten years into this journey, I look back and realize he was right. What you think you believe in the sunlight, may be very different than what you believe in the dark. When light is missing, that’s when truth is unveiled.
In the darkness of infertility, I was forced to see true.
In the darkness of infertility, every temporary and fake thing I had was stripped away.
It was just me, and a God I didn’t understand.
For awhile I shunned the trials. Joy? Ha. It was hell. But to shun the trial is to shun being remade. And gently, this father with a skittish and broken daughter– He carefully reached out with open arms, and whispered into my deaf ears. Patiently, lovingly, He taught me to hear again, to feel.
Here’s the truth: I didn’t really know if God was my father until everything collapsed. And then, with nothing left but bitterness and God calling– I found out the difference between being a believer or being lost.
For the lost, they stand in the darkness and cry, “God, what do you think you’re doing?” Yes, even the ones who claim He’s not there. Because if He is, they want to blame Him.
And the true children of God? When we’re done screaming, done fighting– we get to crawl, weeping, to His feet and say, Oh, Father. Abba. Daddy. Help.
“For you know,” James continues, “the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
Once upon a time I thought infertility was destroying my faith, but now I know that it was revealing it.
And I count it all joy.
Not pleasure. No. Not happiness. Not at all. But joy.
Joy = the settled truth that nothing is wasted when placed securely in the hands of my Father
And this knowledge, this belief, will produce steadfastness. And the full effect of this endurance, this joy?– we will lack nothing.
Our faith will be tested, dear ones. In so many ways.
We will find out what we truly believe.
And there is an Abba, a Father, waiting to remake us– to pour joy into us, to lead us on to completion.