“Mom, look at me!” I turned my head toward my son and he stared at my face intently. “Your eye is really red,” he pointed out. I nodded. “It’s irritated from the sun and dust.” He jumped down and raced off to examine another tractor at the auction. As soon as I arrived home that night, I pulled out my contacts and rinsed my eyes with solution, trying to shake free the gritty dustiness … [Read more...] about How To See Pain With True Sight
My grip on his shoulder was rapidly turning from “directive” and “connecting” to let me remind you how furious I am right now. I let go immediately and he moved ten feet away from me. It was dark outside, but the moon was full and bright so his posture of fear and detachment was perfectly clear. Oh, Lord, my heart started praying, I wasn’t going to get here again. I wasn’t going to let him … [Read more...] about Grace Can Be Found No Matter Where You Are
This year we will celebrate our eleventh anniversary. And this will be the fourteenth year since a doctor told me there was a strong chance I would never bear a child. So far that doctor was right. I was talking with a friend the other day, one who has faced years of singleness past what she expected. Her life is redefining, and it’s good but also different. She told me about a quote from … [Read more...] about A Baby Won’t Fix My Infertility
I was curled up against the wall, crying myself to sleep. Again. Lord, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel afraid of everything, including my husband? During the day I would feel fine, but when night arrived, the empty gnawing feeling would start clawing at me until I was forcing myself to take deep breaths to ward off panic attacks. Sleep? Of course not. Instead, I stared into the … [Read more...] about Is Your Grief Masquerading as Something Else?
The moment I became an adoptive parent, I was already questioning myself. And every little while I would just stumble into full-blown panic. What if we weren't successful as parents? What if our children didn't follow the Lord? What if they grew up and rejected everything we taught them? What if they never overcame their past? What if they never accepted us as family? What if we screw … [Read more...] about How to Measure Your Success in Life
All she wanted was to have a baby. It wasn’t a huge thing—plenty of people have them. But, for her it didn’t happen. And every month the seed of bitterness dug deeper into her heart. Anger. Self-pity. Resentment. Pride. Dark ugliness that tangled her heart and left her unable to interact with those around her without pain. It left her wallowing in sinful heart patterns. Years later she … [Read more...] about Infertility Isn’t My Real Battle