When the doctor told me I had the “leading cause of infertility”, there were many other words that followed hers and seemed to cling to me. Failure. Ugly. Broken. Unworthy. I heard them and when the months and years seemed to prove the label of “infertility” right, I allowed all those other words to label me as well. Like the slashes of a knife, they wounded me so deeply, I couldn’t see, … [Read more...] about Infertility, Our Identity, and What God Says About Who We Are
Infertility has a way of sneaking in and taking over your life. Trust me, I know. And it’s one thing for your daily life to be dictated by a monthly-cycle of ups and downs, but it’s another thing entirely when relationships start being controlled by it. Women who face infertility have been known to shut down, to back away from relationships (specifically if their friends are having … [Read more...] about 3 Ways to Keep Infertility From Ruling Your Relationships
This is my tenth Christmas without a baby. Twice we came close. Once with a positive pregnancy test in October that would have been the answer to my "announce a baby on Christmas" prayer, but instead left me crying on the bathroom floor. That was the year the holidays were just too hard and I never hung a single decoration. The next time was in 2014 when our little to-be-adopted baby was … [Read more...] about Facing Another Christmas Without A Baby
I didn’t put up a single decoration that year. There was no excitement or sparkle of the holidays left in me. I was thankful Jesus came, but I was also sad. And it was a sadness that had burrowed into my bones and left me quiet and splintered. Everyone seemed to be having babies except me. Some part of my brain knew that wasn’t true, but the feelings were a swirling force to be reckoned with. … [Read more...] about It’s okay to hurt during the holidays
I cried over my lost-babies yesterday. Deep, horrible sobs that seemed to tear at my insides. There are so many of them. The ones I miscarried. The babies we were contacted about adopting who were placed in other homes. And Annie. It’s been two years since Annie was born and sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a whole lifetime ago, and always it hurts. I have to … [Read more...] about Will You Be Faithful From The Sidelines?
The other morning I was drinking my coffee and it just tasted weird. I kept smelling it, sipping a bit, trying to figure out what the oddness was. My daughter offered to try it. She’s almost-eleven and almost-grown-up-anyway (or so she tells me) and it’s becoming clear that she could make a career of trying to finagle sips of coffee out of me. It’s my own fault, of course, because sometimes I … [Read more...] about How to Hold Tight to Hope while Facing Disappointment