“Mom, look at me!” I turned my head toward my son and he stared at my face intently. “Your eye is really red,” he pointed out. I nodded. “It’s irritated from the sun and dust.” He jumped down and raced off to examine another tractor at the auction. As soon as I arrived home that night, I pulled out my contacts and rinsed my eyes with solution, trying to shake free the gritty dustiness … [Read more...] about How To See Pain With True Sight
This year we will celebrate our eleventh anniversary. And this will be the fourteenth year since a doctor told me there was a strong chance I would never bear a child. So far that doctor was right. I was talking with a friend the other day, one who has faced years of singleness past what she expected. Her life is redefining, and it’s good but also different. She told me about a quote from … [Read more...] about A Baby Won’t Fix My Infertility
I was curled up against the wall, crying myself to sleep. Again. Lord, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel afraid of everything, including my husband? During the day I would feel fine, but when night arrived, the empty gnawing feeling would start clawing at me until I was forcing myself to take deep breaths to ward off panic attacks. Sleep? Of course not. Instead, I stared into the … [Read more...] about Is Your Grief Masquerading as Something Else?
All she wanted was to have a baby. It wasn’t a huge thing—plenty of people have them. But, for her it didn’t happen. And every month the seed of bitterness dug deeper into her heart. Anger. Self-pity. Resentment. Pride. Dark ugliness that tangled her heart and left her unable to interact with those around her without pain. It left her wallowing in sinful heart patterns. Years later she … [Read more...] about Infertility Isn’t My Real Battle
Nights were usually the hardest. After the sun went down and my husband slept beside me, all the questions and fears would rise up inside. I was so confused. I wanted to be strong and faithful but I didn’t have any idea how. I felt pressed down with questions. Questions about where God was while I was floundering. Questions about why I couldn’t bear the babies my heart was screaming for. … [Read more...] about Surviving the Night Hours with Infertility
On Tuesday of last week I was tempted again. It’s so silly and so ridiculous, I know. Something will happen, something a little different than normal, and every hopeful piece of my heart will jump and skitter with excitement, and my prayers will become a repetitive, “Oh, Lord, have mercy on me…” and then when reality sinks in a few days or weeks later and I realize, no matter how much I hope … [Read more...] about God, I put my “Yes” on the Table