I didn’t put up a single decoration that year. There was no excitement or sparkle of the holidays left in me. I was thankful Jesus came, but I was also sad. And it was a sadness that had burrowed into my bones and left me quiet and splintered. Everyone seemed to be having babies except me. Some part of my brain knew that wasn’t true, but the feelings were a swirling force to be reckoned with. … [Read more...] about It’s okay to hurt during the holidays
I cried over my lost-babies yesterday. Deep, horrible sobs that seemed to tear at my insides. There are so many of them. The ones I miscarried. The babies we were contacted about adopting who were placed in other homes. And Annie. It’s been two years since Annie was born and sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a whole lifetime ago, and always it hurts. I have to … [Read more...] about Will You Be Faithful From The Sidelines?
The other morning I was drinking my coffee and it just tasted weird. I kept smelling it, sipping a bit, trying to figure out what the oddness was. My daughter offered to try it. She’s almost-eleven and almost-grown-up-anyway (or so she tells me) and it’s becoming clear that she could make a career of trying to finagle sips of coffee out of me. It’s my own fault, of course, because sometimes I … [Read more...] about How to Hold Tight to Hope while Facing Disappointment
There we were, sitting around the living room, and I was blinking hard. No matter how many times I took shaking breaths, nor how many bites on the inside of my lip, I couldn’t stop the burning ache behind my eyes. Ah, Lord, really? Am I really going to cry about this now? No matter what I did, there the tears were. I was happy she was pregnant. Good grief, I was incredibly happy for … [Read more...] about Infertility after Adoption
“This is a sponsored conversation from Mums the Word Network and The Stork OTC. All opinions are my own.” Trying to Conceive after Adoption When my husband and I turned our sights toward adoption, many parts of our “trying to conceive” journey ended. The doctor visits, the treatments, were all put on hold. It wasn’t that we were opposed to pursuing both. Adoption and infertility treatments … [Read more...] about Trying to Conceive: at-home options to aid in fertility
I was still in my teens when a doctor told me that there was a “strong chance” that I would never bear a child. Nineteen and still invincible. I made grandiose plans to suffer through this trial with dignity. It worked well for a while. That is, it worked until it didn’t. And then I was left in a shattered mess of destroyed dreams, dignity in shreds. I still remember crying in the milk … [Read more...] about How to Suffer Well