The thoughts came late at night, usually when I was sitting in a quiet living room. The little children I watched during the day would be gone and the house empty.
It was easy for it to grow from there. If only I had a baby. If only there was a child that was never taken away. If God would just heal my body. If that adoption had just gone through… If only…
…then I would be happy.
And then one day she came.
In a whirlwind of God-speaking-and-mountains-moving, we brought our daughter home.
She’s incredible. The most beautiful and wonderful thing. She calls me, “Mommy.” She snuggles in my lap. She plays with my hair as I read her bedtime stories. She makes me laugh and cry and even get crazily mad sometimes.
And she’s not enough.
Of course she’s not enough.
She was never meant to be.
In the same way, my husband– the one I waited so impatiently for– was never meant to make me happy. Nor my family, my friends, my things, my home– nothing is enough. Not for lasting happiness.
I’ll be honest with you– God did not create this world to satisfy us. We were never supposed to be satisfied by what we could attain here. Only, only, only in Him can we find true happiness.
It’s easy, when faced with an empty dream, to think, “If I just had this thing…” but it’s a lie. Dear one, did you hear me? It’s a lie.
God created us to have relationship with Him. And only in Him will we find enough.
I love my children. I am crushed with the glory of their arrival in my life. My gorgeous daughter with sparkling eyes and her quick wit. My handsome little tiger of a boy with the contagious giggle and the sweetest hugs anyone ever received.
But I am thankful, so thankful, that I found satisfaction before they arrived. That I found God’s presence in the middle of my sorrow.
Otherwise, I would be bitterly disappointed.
Because this life is hard. So, so hard.
I traded my struggles of childlessness for the struggles of a preteen and an anxious wounded little boy.
But I am blissfully happy.
And it has nothing to do with my children. They are just a glorious bonus.
It has everything to do with Jesus. His presence. His love. His Word in my empty places.
If you are struggling with infertility, or singleness, or any type of loss– hear this now: satisfaction can only be found in Christ. In Emmanuel. God-right-here-with-us. In the God who is actively present in this life.
So if you, like I once did, think that if you could just get a baby, just be a mama, just get married, just have enough money, just… just…
Let it go. Let all the dreams go and turn to the King.
Listen for His voice. Open your Bible, start reading and don’t stop. Read right through the days when nothing makes sense. Read right through the days when you’re so angry at God you can’t think straight. Read right through your tears, your fears, your sorrows… just keep reading.
You will find Him. I promise. And He will be more than enough.
He always, always is.