Facing the Shame of Infertility
In all the years that I’ve mourned the children lost to me, in all the years I struggled and fought away depression, in all the years I spent on my knees searching for God in the middle of my pain—there was one thing I didn’t face until recently.
Infertility carries many names. It carries pain, heartbreak, weight gain, loss, fear, sleeplessness, suffering… and, I have now learned, it carries shame.
The letter wasn’t really about me, but it came any way, and I struggled to swallow as the words seemed to mock me.
You shared that you wonder why some people get children and you don’t. Do you really think you know better than God? Do you think you’re smarter than Him?
Staggering, heart-cracking, shame.
And I know that it’s not truth. I know it was said from bitterness. I know that the statement does not equal the question. Struggling with infertility does not equal misplacing God.
Yet, the shame bites at me. After all, I had opened my mouth and shared my agony– my own confusion and struggles– and now it was there as evidence against me.
And, oh, how I wanted to bite back. Because isn’t that what you do when something jumps at you and slices you wide open? You turn and retaliate? Tears blind you and that same bitterness that spurred the attack leaks into the open wounds and you rush blindly forward and you spit fire and…
And it is all powered by shame.
Because, you know what—I have. I have cried over bloody handfuls of tissue and I have begged God to tell me why my child couldn’t live since it seems like everyone around me can sustain life inside them. I have stumbled away from baby showers for girls who are barely women themselves and I have knelt in graveyards and begged God to forgive my selfish heart that just wants one of my babies to grow to full term in my womb. I have closed my eyes tight when other moms are complaining about their children and I’ve forced my hands to hold still when all I wanted to do was shake them silly.
And you know what? I’ve screamed at God. I have. I’ve pounded the earth and groaned out tears and anger and fears that build and tower and threaten to consume me.
And in all that time, it never occurred to me to be ashamed of it. Oh, I felt guilt when I crossed over lines. I knelt and confessed when I pushed too hard or too far. But I never felt shame for struggling until that day.
Sometimes the enemy takes words and turns them into arrows of hate. But he knows that hate can’t just show up suddenly, so he dips the arrows in shame first.
And here is the sorrow: we accept it easier that way.
When that letter came and I read those words, I acted calm. I set it down. I dealt with issue at hand. I offered grace. And then night after night the horrible words preyed at my mind, laced with shame. I felt shame for my struggle and it nearly devoured me. I accepted it right in.
Along with the shame came bitterness. And slowly, little bit by little bit, the shame fell off and all that was left was anger. How dare he! How dare anyone look at my struggles and judge me! How dare…
It’s not just infertility, is it? Shame knows no boundaries. It pushes from every direction.
Your children aren’t following the Lord because you didn’t discipline them correctly/love them the right way. Your friends didn’t call because they are sick of your struggles and whining. Your marriage is falling apart because no one could be expected to stay with you and your issues. Your son is struggling with his reading because you didn’t work enough with him when he was younger. Your finances are suffering because you should have gone to college/not gone to college. You’re not married because you’re overweight/too independent/not friendly enough/ too friendly.
I sometimes wonder if every dart from the enemy is dipped liberally in shame.
We need to start labeling shame as what it is: the enemy’s dirty trick used to leak bitterness into our hearts.
Shame is different than guilt. With guilt, you recognize what you’ve done– and you can seek forgiveness and be freed. Guilt is a feeling meant to open our eyes to the chains that bind us. God uses our guilty conscience to speak truth, to turn our eyes inward to the sinful patterns of our thoughts and actions, and ultimately to set us free.
Shame, on the other hand, is a poison. Once it hits, no amount of self-evaluation will bring healing. No matter how many times I rolled those few sentences over in my mind, I couldn’t make them go away. Nor could I seek forgiveness because it wasn’t something I had done.
I needed an antidote.
I needed the Word. New sentences to fill up my mind. Greater good to fight off the lies that had leaked in.
I needed Romans 8:1 that says, “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” and I needed 8:6 that says, “The mind of sinful man is death but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” and I needed 8:9 that says, “You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.”
And, oh, how desperately, I needed 8:15,
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
Do you know what all these verses are saying? They are my Father whispering,
Daughter, you are safe with Me.
Shame has no room to do its work when we are filling our minds with truth. God is not standing there condemning me, so if I feel condemnation I can know the source. It’s my enemy.
Something amazing happens when we label the enemy’s work, turn our faces away, and cling to the Word of Truth. The shame leaves. It does. And the hate goes right with it. All the how dare she and who are you to judge me’s just fade right away in the light of God’s glory and grace.
Shame has no place in the heart of a Believer. We have someone who speaks louder than any enemy, who shines brighter than any lie, who is greater than any shame-dipped arrow. We have Jesus.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers— (neither infertility nor children, neither glory nor shame)– neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (8:38-39)
No matter what lie the enemy feeds you about your heart, your worth, your mistakes, your struggles– THIS is truth: There is nothing that can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.
And in Him? There is no condemnation. You are safe. Protected. He hears your cries, catches your tears, and sorrows with you. Never does He shame you.
Books by Natasha Metzler:
Thank you for opening your mouth and sharing your agony. Keep writing!
Thank you for your encouragement! <3
This post is powerful. I felt your conviction and I felt God’s presence as I read this. Thank you for being open and sharing your heart and for being sensitive to the Word of God. I needed this and have been encouraged greatly!
I am so glad! <3
After my 2nd miscarriage, I thought I will die of sadness and never try will try again People were trying to comfort me by saying things like it was not healthy and better if you miscarried now and etc. they did not understand. My friend whose family has a history of infertility understood. she told me a story about her aunt. She had dozens of miscarriages and one as late as six months. The doctors told her she will never have a child and she should stop trying. She said if God mean me to have a child. God meant me to have a child. After 20 years of trying and countless miscarriages, she realized she was 8months pregnant and she was go to have this one. At 45 years old, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Take what you want from the story. But it gave me hope to try again. Few months shy of my 40th birthday, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
What a beautiful testimony, friend. Thank you, thank you! for sharing it. <3
Beautiful!
People’s responses like that just make me GRRRR. If you can’t say something nice….
There is so much that we shame ourselves for, so much that we feel guilty over and that we somehow hold the blame for having happen, but we don’t need to….There is no shame or guilt in Him.
{Honestly, I think you could, and should, publish a book of just your blog posts and I would devour it!}
Thank you, Jess! Maybe someday I will… one never knows. 🙂
Truth straight to my heart.
Oh, Infertility Shame, I know you well. Much too well for a 27 year old, as one who found out about MRKH at age 16. I have more than one relative on my husband’s side who has said, “Why can’t you just be happy for women who have babies?! You need to learn to be happy for them!” It’s not that I’m not happy.. it’s that a baby shower rips off the band-aid and digs into the wound. I am learning to accept this about myself, but as one wise woman said, “Even Jesus fell to his knees while carrying his cross, and he didn’t do it with a smile.”
Oh goodness. Isn’t that the way it usually is? The people that seem the most bitter and hurtful oftentimes needs the most prayer. I try to keep that in mind, but sometimes my dignity slips. *sheepish grin*
I’m going to have to read this again when I’m not so spitting mad at whoever said that to you… I get your brilliant point about the difference between shame and guilt, I guess I need to go meditate on that instead of letting myself get mad. <3
lol. I love you, Jess. 🙂 And the truth is that the person in question truly has more things to deal with than this even– and has accepted far too much shame, which of course turns to bitterness, and then to anger. We just caught the brunt of it for a little bit.
Oh and, I love you too. Like whole bunches. *nodnod*
Ha ha! I understand! Mine too. I think the Lord is slowly healing this up in me though– and giving me His love. That’s the awesome part about following Him, of course, that we get the choice to love, even when others are unlovable.
To be Jesus to a lost dying world, Natasha? Can anyone be that? Can anyone do that? That is the problem with this kind of “”servant people”” – they come to believe they are and do things that are not, and their ego rises up….
The problem is, Natasha, that you and other people from your background, have made idealistic expectations of your “”princes”” and now that you married someone different, you feel the need to go to the other extreme, like pointing out how the “”servant””” who has nothing from the prince is so SOOO much better. Reality is that, you know, there are PRINCES who also have a servant heart – some people DO have it all, you know. So there is no need to extrapolate things in one direction or another.
I have seen other unpleasant attitudes of yours online, like naming someone who insensitively told you “”you know better than God why you don’t have babies?”” that she has bigger issues than you do and that’s why she’s saying those things. I’m not even saying what that is, from pshychological point of view about yourself. And the post “Why does she have babies”? Another unpleasant attitude of yours – are you preoccupied with another’s people’s lives? Why they have the blessings that they do? Why they have the trials they do? Maybe you should just revise your attitudes online, for it is better to say nothing at all than say bad things with inappropriate attitudes.
And the post about being 30 years old and not giving birth….You are so centered on yourself, you imagine this is the “”worst suffering”” a woman can face at 30???
Hopefully you’ll do some heart check and readjusting!
I’m sorry, Teo, if I offended in some way. When I spoke of “princes” I was talking about exactly what you described, the idealistic expectations that young girls often create. Something that is not even reality and something we need to realize is not even desirable in the long run. (http://kindredgrace.com/looking-for-a-prince/)
I’m not sure what you mean by “from your background” as I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation about how I was brought up or how I came about having the ideas and thoughts that I do– but if you’d like to discuss why and how, definitely send me an email! (you can contact me through my blog).
I used the term “servant” simply because that is what the Bible calls us to be. All of us. If your view of the Bible is different than mine, that’s perfectly fine, but I will always write from my understanding, I can’t do anything else. (And the reference to “being Jesus” is of course, tied to this belief as well. Which is translated, to me, as being caring, loving, giving, sacrificial, etc… regardless of your beliefs about Jesus, I think we can agree that these things are important to emulate.)
A prince having a servant heart is another subject entirely, because at that point we’d be talking about real people and not our imagined ideals.
I would encourage you not to assume too much, when it comes to who you think I’ve named. The article you referenced was one that sat for many years before it made it’s way online. In fact, it sat until the person in question was no longer in the position to be “insensitively named”. As for the issues of the person in question, I am not fool enough to think their issues are any greater than my own. We all carry our own baggage. All I can deal with is mine.
As for “Why Does She Get Babies?” the post was not meant as a full-overview of my attitude or anyone else’s. I think we’d all agree that a single post can only address a single issue– and there is no need to assume that the writing about one afternoon when I struggled then equals my attitude toward all things at all times. The point of the post, in fact, was the need to change an attitude that was trying to sneak up on me. And it was written as a response to the many letters that came to my inbox, wondering how in the world I was able to face infertility and pregnancy announcements with grace. The answer? I had to learn to stop looking at myself. Something I think you would heartily agree with.
By all means, I agree that what we say online should not be done with inappropriate attitudes! Of course, we can only examine our own hearts on this issue. I can’t see your heart– just what you’ve written. So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this comment was written with a gracious and loving attitude.
As for my “turning 30” post, I don’t think that I said not giving birth was the worst suffering that a woman could face. If I did, good gracious, I beg for forgiveness as that is not truth in any stretch of the imagination. I was, of course, simply writing about a time in my life when I had to face something unpleasant. Infertility is, after all, rather unpleasant.
As for heart-checking and readjusting– yes and amen. That is something I am always willing to do. Something each of us should strive for. Reevaluating and looking truthfully at each issue and struggle and question and opinion. So thank you, for that reminder!
p.s. I saw you left this comment at Kindred Grace as well. I deleted it there, as I feel there is no need to have this conversation both places at the same time.
Beautiful. Thanks for writing from the rawness of life and breathing hope back into the situation.
Thank you, Mandy. <3
Great post girl! So often I feel shame and I know that I shouldn’t. It’s something the enemy whispers to me and then I run with it. Always praying for you! xo
waitingforbabybird.com
You’re in my prayers as well, Elisha. <3 Can't wait for that little Josiah to show up. 🙂