He didn’t know if he’d ever get married and it caused him bitterness for years. Then slowly, piece by piece, God broke down the bits of pride and fear and hurt and brought him to a place of surrender.
Just a few years later, I arrived in his life. We were introduced at a Christmas concert and before the next Christmas, we were married.
Almost immediately I began struggling with the reality of infertility.
I wandered through depression. Struggled with weight gain. Cried over the oddest things.
And he stood there, strong and unmovable at my side. Sometimes his strength made me angry. I would cry over not having babies and he would say, all matter a fact, “Well, I thought I’d never have a wife and I do. So we’re going to keep surrendering this.”
Later he would say, “I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I married this capable stable woman and ended up with a crying mess.” Oh, my poor husband.
But when I lifted my head from depression and finally was able to take a deep cleansing breath, he was still there.
As time passed, we started trading our moments of weakness back and forth. Sometimes, I’m strong and preaching surrender while he struggles with the reality that he may never have a son. Then I’ll crumble and he’ll hold me tight.
Just a few weeks ago we came home from Bible Study, where he had snuggled a little baby boy for most of the evening, and he broke down. “I leaned down to pick the baby up,” he told me, his voice scratchy with tears, “and I just wanted to say, ‘God! What are you thinking?! It’s not fair. It’s just not fair that my wife may never give me a child of my own.'”
And we talk and cry and this horrible trial that breaks us and wounds us and hurts so. stinking. bad. is also the thing that binds us tight together.
I love that my husband is, really, the only person in the whole world that understands my worst heartache.
Many people understand infertility but my husband understands my personal journey through it.
Have you walked through hardship? Is your spouse still beside you? That is something worth loving.