Infertility

I was curled up against the wall, crying myself to sleep. Again. Lord, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel afraid of everything, including my husband? During the day I would feel fine, but when night arrived, the empty gnawing feeling would start clawing at me until I was forcing myself to take…

All she wanted was to have a baby. It wasn’t a huge thing—plenty of people have them. But, for her it didn’t happen. And every month the seed of bitterness dug deeper into her heart. Anger. Self-pity. Resentment. Pride. Dark ugliness that tangled her heart and left her unable to interact with those around her…

Nights were usually the hardest. After the sun went down and my husband slept beside me, all the questions and fears would rise up inside. I was so confused. I wanted to be strong and faithful but I didn’t have any idea how. I felt pressed down with questions. Questions about where God was while…

On Tuesday of last week I was tempted again. It’s so silly and so ridiculous, I know. Something will happen, something a little different than normal, and every hopeful piece of my heart will jump and skitter with excitement, and my prayers will become a repetitive, “Oh, Lord, have mercy on me…” and then when…

Two and a half years ago, our almost-adopted daughter died. We thought she would live. We thought God would work a miracle. We thought there was no reason why God would have brought us all the way to a baby’s bedside in the NICU, only to be left with empty arms.  We didn’t understand what…

Thirteen years. It has been thirteen years since I sat in a doctor’s office and was handed a diagnosis that would become a gaping wound in my life. This fall it will be ten years since I carried that wound into my marriage. Infertility has been a deep aching sorrow that has left a trail…