I’m not sure why that day was so hard, but it was. A day when the thoughts of all-that-could-be got lost in the reality of all-that-wasn’t. My husband kept asking what was wrong and I kept opening my mouth but not finding the words.
Is it possible to explain that the “wrong” is only a complete and total lack of faith?
Someone mentioned the other day that they admired my faith and I almost choked. Here’s a secret: my “faith” leaves me, more often than not, described perfectly in James chapter one.
8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
and I’m not saying that with a false sense of humbleness– I’m saying that with horror.
I wandered around the barn doing chores, with my mind trapped in faithlessness. I knelt to put a milker on Rosie and tears dripped onto the golden straw at my feet. I hate this part of me, I thought, I hate weakness and feeling lost and panic attacks. Why can’t I just trust that God really will take care of me?
It was my soul-wound tore right open again.
It was my mind scrambling to remove my walk through pain. [maybe we should just forget trying to renew our homestudy, then adoption is just out of the question. Maybe I should go on birth control, then the chance of a baby is just gone.]
Oh, God. Here I am, still trying to take your place. I’d rather lose my deepest dreams by choice than trust you with the ability to answer my prayers with a “no”.
Oh, faithless heart!
In my book I talk about finding God in sorrow– but here’s where the knowledge hits home: it has to be a daily searching.
It doesn’t matter how many times I surrendered to God in the past, it doesn’t matter if I filled a whole book with the story, I still have to kneel today.
And when my face bows low, He comes. Faithful every moment.
And He whispers comfort that seeks me out through the words of a friend and pulls back my blinders with love.
“Return, O faithless sons;
I will heal your faithlessness.” Jeremiah 3:22 ESV
Oh, what a promise! Oh, joy! Oh, hope! Oh, redemption!
He heals. Even my faithlessness.
My tongue tastes glory. My soul trembles. And once again, I find wholeness.
[to read the story of how God built our family from splintered pieces and gathered children to us from across states and countries, check out Counting Grains of Sand: Learning to Delight in a Promise-Making God]