I’m not sure why that day was so hard, but it was. A day when the thoughts of all-that-could-be got lost in the reality of all-that-wasn’t. My husband kept asking what was wrong and I kept opening my mouth but not finding the words.
Is it possible to explain that the “wrong” is only a complete and total lack of faith?
Someone mentioned the other day that they admired my faith and I almost choked. Here’s a secret: my “faith” leaves me, more often than not, described perfectly in James chapter one.
8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
and I’m not saying that with a false sense of humbleness– I’m saying that with horror.
I wandered around the barn doing chores, with my mind trapped in faithlessness. I knelt to put a milker on Rosie and tears dripped onto the golden straw at my feet. I hate this part of me, I thought, I hate weakness and feeling lost and panic attacks. Why can’t I just trust that God really will take care of me?
It was my soul-wound tore right open again.
It was my mind scrambling to remove my walk through pain. [maybe we should just forget trying to renew our homestudy, then adoption is just out of the question. Maybe I should go on birth control, then the chance of a baby is just gone.]
Oh, God. Here I am, still trying to take your place. I’d rather lose my deepest dreams by choice than trust you with the ability to answer my prayers with a “no”.
Oh, faithless heart!
In my book I talk about finding God in sorrow– but here’s where the knowledge hits home: it has to be a daily searching.
It doesn’t matter how many times I surrendered to God in the past, it doesn’t matter if I filled a whole book with the story, I still have to kneel today.
And when my face bows low, He comes. Faithful every moment.
And He whispers comfort that seeks me out through the words of a friend and pulls back my blinders with love.
“Return, O faithless sons;
I will heal your faithlessness.” Jeremiah 3:22 ESV
Oh, what a promise! Oh, joy! Oh, hope! Oh, redemption!
He heals. Even my faithlessness.
My tongue tastes glory. My soul trembles. And once again, I find wholeness.
[to read the story of how God built our family from splintered pieces and gathered children to us from across states and countries, check out Counting Grains of Sand: Learning to Delight in a Promise-Making God]
Fellow struggler of anxiety attacks here. Coming on the other side of something huge myself. It’s amazing what some faith can do, isn’t it?
absolutely. <3
Tears in my eyes. Thanks for reminding me we may have our individual battles and struggles, but that there are sisters all over the world fighting and struggling right along with us. Needed this.
And some special hugs and love with your infertility/adoption journey…from one PCOS sister to another. I will pray for you, dearest friend…somehow I just think you will be an incredible mom someday…
Wish I could give you a hug. Am blessed.
Wow! You wrote exactly what my heart was saying but didn’t know how to express. So glad God directed me here this morning. Thank you for sharing.
” It doesn’t matter how many times I surrendered to God in the past, it doesn’t matter if I filled a whole book with the story, I still have to kneel today.
And when my face bows low, He comes. Faithful every moment. ”
Dang. He did it again.
🙂
You’re beautiful Natasha… ~ Blessings from Maine sister, Amy
Thank you for this. The right post on the right day.
This is awesome, Natasha… I’ll keep it in mind today. It’s already been… tough…