This is my tenth Christmas without a baby. Twice we came close. Once with a positive pregnancy test in October that would have been the answer to my “announce a baby on Christmas” prayer, but instead left me crying on the bathroom floor. That was the year the holidays were just too hard and I never…
She had been fighting brain cancer for months. She told us what God had been teaching her. How He had told her to serve from weakness. I want to use my cancer to glorify God. Oh, what beautiful words. Not defeat. Not hopelessness. Instead, depth and love and life. Not that there weren’t moments (days, weeks) when the grieving circled, but that…
I was standing beside my daughter today when I noticed the scar. I had just been commenting on the fact that she’s getting taller, stretching toward adulthood way too fast for me. When a child’s first birthday in your home is their 9th, the years of “little” are very few. And there was the scar, near…
I didn’t put up a single decoration that year. There was no excitement or sparkle of the holidays left in me. I was thankful Jesus came, but I was also sad. And it was a sadness that had burrowed into my bones and left me quiet and splintered. Everyone seemed to be having babies except…
The first snow flurries are rushing over the farm and I am remembering the winters when there were no children racing through our house. It was always so quiet in the evenings, after the little ones I watched during the day would go home to their mamas. Our tiny house would be cluttered with my…
I cried over my lost-babies yesterday. Deep, horrible sobs that seemed to tear at my insides. There are so many of them. The ones I miscarried. The babies we were contacted about adopting who were placed in other homes. And Annie. It’s been two years since Annie was born and sometimes it feels like yesterday and…
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