Once upon a time I thought infertility was destroying my faith. I didn’t realize that true faith is indestructible. The part of me that was crumbling? It wasn’t, nor had it ever been, faith.
James knew this truth, which is why he instructed the church in James 1 to, “Count it all joy when you face trials of various kinds…”
Translation:
Count it joy, Natasha, when you face infertility.
If you had told me this seven years ago, I would have smiled and nodded, and then cried myself to sleep that night. Because it wasn’t joyful. It was horrible.
Ten years into this journey, I look back and realize he was right. What you think you believe in the sunlight, may be very different than what you believe in the dark. When light is missing, that’s when truth is unveiled.
In the darkness of infertility, I was forced to see true.
In the darkness of infertility, every temporary and fake thing I had was stripped away.
It was just me, and a God I didn’t understand.
For awhile I shunned the trials. Joy? Ha. It was hell. But to shun the trial is to shun being remade. And gently, this father with a skittish and broken daughter– He carefully reached out with open arms, and whispered into my deaf ears. Patiently, lovingly, He taught me to hear again, to feel.
Here’s the truth: I didn’t really know if God was my father until everything collapsed. And then, with nothing left but bitterness and God calling– I found out the difference between being a believer or being lost.
For the lost, they stand in the darkness and cry, “God, what do you think you’re doing?” Yes, even the ones who claim He’s not there. Because if He is, they want to blame Him.
And the true children of God? When we’re done screaming, done fighting– we get to crawl, weeping, to His feet and say, Oh, Father. Abba. Daddy. Help.
“For you know,” James continues, “the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
[pullquote]Once upon a time I thought infertility was destroying my faith[/pullquote], but now I know that it was revealing it.
And I count it all joy.
Not pleasure. No. Not happiness. Not at all. But joy.
Joy = the settled truth that nothing is wasted when placed securely in the hands of my Father
And this knowledge, this belief, will produce steadfastness. And the full effect of this endurance, this joy?– we will lack nothing.
Our faith will be tested, dear ones. In so many ways.
We will find out what we truly believe.
And there is an Abba, a Father, waiting to remake us– to pour joy into us, to lead us on to completion.
Casey Kohlman says
April 24, 2015 at 12:17 amHow do you pour MY heart out onto YOUR “paper” with each of these posts? I thank God for a kindred spirit in you. :] Thank you again.
Natasha Metzler says
April 24, 2015 at 12:42 amI am so, so thankful that you’re able to connect with me here. Sometimes half the battle is knowing I’m not alone. 🙂 Thank you for commenting, Casey, and for your encouragement. <3
Julie Sunne says
October 23, 2014 at 1:08 amOh, Tasha, this is one of your most powerful posts! Your rawness, the honesty with which you share your feelings, and then the connection you make with the truth of God’s never-ending love for us (despite what we sometimes feel or think), combines to reconnect us with the hope we sometimes lose sight of. Been there, was gently led into the light, and am so grateful. Yes joy!
Andrea Merrigan says
October 22, 2014 at 8:08 pmThank you for sharing this, just what I needed. My journey has been 6 long years and oh how I blamed God and was so mad about all my losses. Now after our last loss earlier this year, it was the end for me trying, and my marriage and life got turned upside down. I’m still hanging on to our marriage and through all the pain the last 6 months it has brought me back to the Lord and my faith is stronger then ever. I am not in control of any of the situations going on, only He is and I just have to take it a day at a time. Praying for a miracle while walking in Joy.
Elisha says
October 22, 2014 at 1:46 pmSuch a great post! I don’t despise this season that I am in because I know that it is is shaping and molding me. God isn’t going to let any of what the devil means for my harm to go to waste and I want Him to use it all for His glory. Thank you for sharing this post!
Bind My Wandering Heart says
October 22, 2014 at 9:37 amI love this post, exactly what I needed to hear as I have definitely struggled with a lack of joy lately! Thank you so much for sharing! Romans 12v12 ‘be joyful in hope’ 🙂
livinginthewhitehouse says
October 22, 2014 at 8:02 amJoy? Yes! I’m six years into it and God has been teaching me lately to be thankful for my infertility. As you said, everything is stripped away until it’s just me and Him. Through the first few verses of Romans 5, God has shown me that this, this trial of infertility, is not just A trial…this is MY trial. The big trial of my life, and I should rejoice knowing that my Father cares enough for me to give me this trial that is making me more like Jesus. Yes, there is joy in infertility! Thank you, Natasha.
Karen Stone says
October 22, 2014 at 7:25 amI can’t believe this was sitting in my inbox this morning. After a night of a complete meltdown, crying, yelling, begging, etc. I feel like this was written just for me. My sister just delivered her 4th beautiful baby and as I watched her greet her little one for the 4th time, something inside me broke. 2 weeks ago I had my 2nd miscarriage. I don’t know how to get through this gracefully but thank you for these words, I’m sure I will need to read them over and over again.
Natasha Metzler says
October 22, 2014 at 7:32 amOh, friend. <3 May you taste the love of your Father-God as you walk through this trial. {hugs}