unmasking infertility
She had twins. Beautiful little girls with tiny fingers and velvety skin. There was a time when she thought motherhood was forever lost to her and now daughters number 3 and 4 have joined the family.
I ache with the glory of it. God redeems and here is proof. Shimmering, exploding evidence of grace.
Holding the tiny bundles, I couldn’t help but remember almost eight years ago now, when news of another set of twins twisted my stomach. I sat alone and ached in pain at my sister-in-law’s ultrasound pictures. I cried at the feet of my God and said, Why does she receive the things I long for?
His answer shook me to the core. I stared at the water and shivers danced my spine. The words were gentle, like a soft wave on the sand, and they reshaped me fully. “Would you rather I take her gift and give it to you?”
I recoiled at the picture of my selfish heart painted plain.
Never. I whispered and let the rocks fall from my hands. Ripples spread out to sea and something deep in me began to heal.
I will not yearn and reach for other’s stories. My brother’s twins were part of his redemption, not mine.
Then in Haiti. It was twin babies that were tossed into my arms. Malnourished, dirty babies. The mother, young and flippant, said to me, “Take them, I don’t need them.” I wanted to pull them tight to myself. I wanted to shake her silly. Instead, I gently washed and kissed seven-month -babies who were the size of newborns.
I wanted them to be the redemption of my pain. These beautiful children with brown eyes that lost their glaze and began to sparkle as their faces stretched into smiles over warm bottles of formula. But then I looked up at their father, standing there, now without a wife, offering his children not because he did not love them but because he did.
Before we left, when he offered them one last time, I turned the little boy in my arms to face him. “Look,” I said quietly, still aching but sure, “he knows you. He loves you. You are his papa.” As if on cue, the baby clapped his hands and smiled. “I could take him away but he would miss you. He needs you to be his father.”
The young man dripped tears and wrapped his son tight in his arms. He reached for his daughter and my husband let her go.
I will not reach and yearn for other’s stories. The babies were part of their father’s redemption, not mine. They were the means to make him stand tall and work hard. God was using them to mold and shape him into a father worth having.
I ache with the glory of it. For my brother. For this Haitian man. And now for my friend as well.
These twins are part of her story. And I will not long for her redemption– but I will delight in it with her. She bore and birthed two babies and I kiss them and squeeze their soft little toes and rejoice in a God who redeems every taste of sorrow.
And me? Can you not look back and see? God is still reshaping me. Unmasking the lies of infertility. Giving me glimpses of glory. And that, in itself, is redemption.
I am in awe. And I wait in anticipation. God paints glorious masterpieces. The scarlet cord of redemption runs straight through history. And I trust that it will forever run through my life.
Oh, oh my.
This post touched a dark, hidden part of me today. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. This is just so beautiful and so so good. I can so relate to those feelings. After three years of trying I can admit that more often than I should I’ve asked God “why them and not me?” But I know that God is always faithful and hope does not disappoint. God isn’t finished with our stories yet — beautiful, redemptive stories that are designed just for us.
Thanks for this post. As a woman who experienced a miscarriage as my first pregnancy and an adoptive mom I know the pain of longing for a child. However God showed me it’s not a child that would make my world whole. I also appreciate the way the situation was handled with the Haitian father. Too many families treat the birth family as a means to an end and don’t realize the hurt involved. Oh how God continuously works on our hearts!
Oh, Kim-
Amen and amen. It is not a child that makes us whole.
It is Him and only ever can be Him.
Thanks for stopping by!
“I will not reach and yearn for other’s stories”
A good reminder for me to never ever covet what someone else has…
Tears. I feel like perhaps God both cries and smiles with love for His daughter as He sees this beautiful post you wrote and knows the heart behind it.
Thanks for the inspiration– esp. since I just went to the doctor yesterday for a PCOS checkup…
I love your perspective! Thanks for writing such beautiful words and thank you for stopping by my blog! I look forward to reading more of yours.
Ah, thanks! You’re always welcome. 🙂
I can’t help but …wow. So much real wow. I too, will not reach and yearn for other’s stories. I’ve done it countless times in other covetous ways. Thanks Dear.
Beautiful, and timely. Thank you, I will remind myself that I will not yearn and reach for others’ stories. Bless you, Natasha.
Natasha, while write this about infertility – something I personal have not experienced – I can’t help but apply your beautiful words to my own life. Your post is a wonderful and gentle reminder for me to not want someone else’s story.
So, so thankful for you, Mandy. For your encouragement and grace. It means the world to me.
So true and so beautiful
Shivers! Literally! I love you, Tasha!
Thanks, Beth. You’re always such an encouragement. <3
I think I am at the place where I am realizing that God does in fact redeem the pain. But not always in the way I want. That He is using me, still childless, to share HIS glory and HIS unfailing love creates a bittersweet flurry of hope within me.
Thank you for this, Natasha!
So well said. Not always in the way we want. But it is redemption, nonetheless.
Natasha, it’s so nice to read your writings again after your holiday break. I loved the way you were able to describe the growth God has performed in you. Exciting things ahead for you, a woman of faith. Happy New Year girl! ~ Blessings out, Amy
Hi, Amy!! It’s good to be back. I missed y’all! 🙂
Yes, yes, yes. My wife and I have been dealing with infertility for a couple of years now. And the resolution I realized I needed to make some time ago was not to be jealous of other people and their children, but to bless them and be happy for them. I don’t need their pity and sorrow, and nothing attracts those more than jealousy. 🙂 All life is God’s to give and take.
Well put, Matt. All life is God’s.
May you and your wife feel His presence as you journey this road.
Beautiful as always Tasha! Beautiful words, beautiful truth from your beautiful heart. Everytime I read your posts on infertility I ache with your pain but I also feel a whisper of a thrill of excitement for what God IS DOING in you and what He WILL DO for you. Blessings to you in this new year! Rhonda
Oh, Rhonda- You have been such an encouragement to me. Thank you so much. {hugs}
lovely.
Thank you, dear Emily.
Your beautiful words always cause me to stop and sometimes cringe at my own struggles and thoughts of infertility.
I do hope you don’t cringe too much, Jess. You’ve been such an inspiration to me. I could have written your life into this post as well… a glorious picture of God redeeming. <3