I didn’t really think of the ramifications of having a daughter who can read well. The other day I came into the room and she was snuggled up on the couch with Pain Redeemed in her hands. I raised my eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
Later she came to me and hugged me from behind. “Oh, Mommy,” she said into my back, “I didn’t know you lost a baby.”
She was snuffling and wiping tears before I could react and we both ended up sitting on the kitchen floor talking about how God gives and takes away and it’s okay.
“You must be so sad all the time!” she said.
“No, no,” I scrambled to explain. “I’m not so sad all the time. God has been good to us.”
This morning I was reading in Habakkuk 3, where the prophet is talking about all the things that may go wrong.
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vine, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food…”
And I thought of all the things I could add to the list. “Though I may never bear a child, nor cradle my own infant in my arms, should I fail to have the privilege of choosing a name for a son or daughter, or watching them learn to walk and talk and laugh…”
I looked over at my beautiful girl, this precious, incredible gift that God has poured into our lives– the child I didn’t get to name, or carry, or watch grow from infancy, and I say with Habakkuk,
yet, I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.
No, I am not so sad. I have been sad. I have mourned deeply. But I rejoice. I rejoice in God’s gracious goodness, His hand of mercy in the midst of my pain, and His brilliant promise of salvation.
And I know that even without the gift of our daughter, I could still rejoice in Him. In Jesus, who redeemed my soul from the pit of emptiness.
Should all else fade away, this would still remain.
Hallelujah.
Oh, one of my favorite verses.
If I can indulge and add my own stanza.
“Though I may never have a husband, no one person committed to partner through life with me, no go-to person who catches the slack when I am having a bad day….yet I will rejoice in the Lord. . .” for He has given me years as a “mother” and friends who show up in unexpected ways and the beautiful hard stretching of learning community and interdependence and asking for help from people who haven’t committed their life and love to me for all our lived days.
hmm… love it, Nicole. <3
I just love the book of Habakkuk! Thank you for sharing. Our daddy God is soo good and I believe that He will fulfill your hearts desire to have a biological child. Praying for you girlie! You are healed…restored…and made whole in Jesus Name 🙂 xo
<3
Thank you so much for this…such an encouragement. I was actually reading habakkuk yesterday, and then I read your post. I love how God does that sometimes! Thank you 🙂
Oh, I love it when God does things like that. <3
I am so encouraged and blessed by your blog, Natasha. I discovered it one day while looking into support for infertility. While my husband and I have neither been diagnosed with infertility it has been four years without children. For so long I have questioned, labored and struggled to understand God’s plan. I still have moments… Times when the reminders sting.
However, on July 28th God began unfolding a beautiful story of redemption in our home. Two children were in need of a permanent home and through a friend we were connected with them. There have been SO many Moments that have shed light I to Gods plans. I am learning that even if not, God is still good and there is always hope.
This devotional was just what I needed I hear. Thank you for sharing your story… You have no idea the amount healing God has brought through it! May God bless you and your family richly as you continue following Him!
Amanda– what a beautiful testimony! Thank you so much for sharing it here. <3 <3
Amen! This echos something I just read in Psalm 73 v26 “My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”. I rarely comment but this hits home for me. So I say though I may never again be healthy or live independently, though I may never again work, or know the joy of marriage or having a family of my own, yet I WILL rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation!
Oh, Miriam- I truly believe that God will reward His children for their faithfulness, and every step through your journey is seen by the God-who-Redeems. May you feel Him close today. <3