when soul-stench meets grace
Screaming would help, I think. I glare at the bucket in my hands. Years of training help me set it down gently but everything in me wants to crash it against the wall.
Who feels graceful when they’ve been informed of failure? Who feels gentle when they’ve been wounded?
I walk out of the barn and just keep walking. Moonlit fields, over a hundred acres of them, call my name. Can I just stop being? Can I disappear into nothingness?
I want to lay the blame on someone else. Anyone else. I don’t want to carry this weight, this harshness, this depravity.
I finally stop. Lay down in cool grass. Stare at a sky with rushing clouds and a round full moon.
My protests quiet. My self shrinks back. Words from the book of Job seem to fling themselves from the heavens.
Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? 38:4
“Oh, God…” I whisper and He comes.
Gentle grace raining on a dew-covered sinner.
The moon shimmers. His voice admonishes. My heart surrenders.
He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness… I Cor. 4:5
Even in my own soul. Even in my own failures. His light will pierce and His Word will divide, like a double-edged sword, and pieces of me will be laid bare.
For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. Job 5:18
Am I willing? Part of me wants to curl up and withdraw.
If I keep soul-stench hidden in darkness does that make it stop eroding my insides? Never. It has to be brought to light to be stopped.
Can I be made humble that He may be glorified?
What if His glory is what brings me healing?
I know the answers. I know truth. My hands run over the fresh green shoots of spring and hope refills the desperate places in me.
I know that I want Him more than anything else.
He whispers beautiful wholeness into my brokenness. He is, even when I have failed to the uttermost. He is, even when everyone else around me has failed. He is.
Oh, Father– let Your Spirit come.
“What if His glory is what brings me healing?”
Something in me aches when I read that. I think it’s that need for more of Him.
Your writing always goes further than just my mind. Thank you.
Hmm… more of Him. May we all learn to answer that ache by clinging to Him.
This is so beautiful! How often I need to remember this – that He alone covers all failures and brings healing to all the broken places. How often I need to remember how wonderful He is – how I ought to *want* Him! Yet how often instead do I find myself distracted by the things of this world? How often do I find myself thinking of anything and everything but the One who gives me life? I *want* to want Him, to want Him more than anything else, but, honestly, *do* I? Sometimes I do – and those are wonderful, joyful, happy times, whatever the circumstances in my life may be. A lot of the time I don’t, and that needs to change, but *I cannot change myself*. Only He can do that. I am totally dependent on Him.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder of who He is, and how much I really need Him, need to *want* Him. Also, thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate it when people share what really goes on inside their hearts.
We want to want him and isn’t it wonderful that the fact that we do means he is drawing us? It stuns me to think about. Thank you for visiting. May your day be blessed.
Beautiful words….reminds me of the song by Laura Story.
In our weakness His grace is made perfect.
Love that. <3
I tagged you over at my place. Hope to see you there.
Beautiful words! Thanks for being honest & real in such a graceful way.
Me too, Natasha! Beautiful, real post again. Your writing is convicting, inspiring, and filled with truth.
Thank you. <3
I really like your writing girl! It’s raw and real and always points back to God! Thanks for sharing what He’s up to in you! ~ Blessings, Amy from http://www.fullherlife.com
When I read that part of Job, I, too, am humbled. I hope all is well with you.
Thank you, friend. <3 My husband has been quoting Job a lot lately. I keep clinging to the promise that in the end, everything was restored to him.
I WANT HIM!!
This is a great post. I have been there so many times Natasha! I think if we just keep turning back to Him everything will turn out alright.
Yay! 🙂 His promises don’t change, thankfully, even when we struggle. Amen to turning back!
Amen. What if our healing brings him glory? Or our wounds? I do want him more than anything else!
Katie, you’re one of those that God has used to heal me. <3
Wow. Our pastor spoke on these exact verses yesterday! Loved the perspective and I love the promise that that same hands that wound through correction, bind up and heal!
It is one of the most vital lessons I have learned as a Christian. Don’t you just love it when God starts displaying truths in every direction?
Yes! You have found the perfect words for this…thank you!
This is beautiful. God will truly pick us up in the darkest of times and set us straight on the path. I love that He never leaves us. Thank you for sharing. I found your blog at a time when I really need to be reminded of this. God bless you, Natasha.
Is this not the most precious part of being a follower? I am so thankful that you have been blessed through my offerings.
wow. beautifully spoken words…..
Thank you, Peggy. You’ve been such a blessing to me over the years. <3
You’re such an inspiration natasha. God is using you for great and beautiful things. He is carrying you, and he will carry you for as long as you need.
Thank you, Sarah. You, too, have been an inspiration. Thank you for these words of comfort. <3
Me too! Preach it, sister. It’s good to have company along the way that understands the journey. Thank you.