When You Don’t Get What You Want
We went to town that night, in search of a new pair of sneakers. His old ones were wore right through.
I was exhausted but wide-awake. My body flip-flopping between anxious stomach-wrenching questions and calm reassuring promises. It had been quite the week. Two funerals, a lot of thoughts, mourning a failed adoption, migraine headaches.
He bought the black sneakers, put them directly onto his feet. We found a dumpster for the hole-filled ones on the way back to the car.
“Let’s walk to the grocery store,” he said. He was hoping they carried old fashioned Turkey Hill iced tea, orange flavored if we were lucky.
I slowed down on the way, glanced at the women’s clothing store with the huge clearance signs. He rolled his eyes slightly but winked. “Meet you back here in a few minutes?” We parted ways. I bought several shirts and a floor-length maxi skirt.
Outside I spotted him, sitting on the bench between stores. He waved and I slipped through the darkness toward him. When I was close, I saw them, a dozen roses, ends wrapped in a grocery bag. I looked at him, the five o’clock shadow darkening his face, the brown eyes that warmed me right through. “You’ve been sad,” he whispered in explanation, “I’ve seen the tears behind your eyes. I’m sorry, love.”
I slipped into his arms and buried my face into his chest, smashing the roses between us.
He wasn’t really the guy I figured on marrying.
He wasn’t tall like I had pictured. He was ten years older than me. On one of our first dates he told me he probably wanted 3 kids instead of the 7 I’d always dreamed of. Our first kiss didn’t make me swoon or anything.
It wasn’t really anything out of a fairy tale.
It was better.
It was this slow growing, this gentle affection that multiplies and takes shape and fills every aspect of life. It is this moment where you look at the friend beside you and say, “Oh, it’s you. Of course it’s you.”
God works that way so often. Taking the dreams we think we have and refining them with fire. Hot, blazing, painful fire.
You walk through experiences where you think you won’t be able to withstand another burning moment. You rage at the heavens and in the stillness, He is there. Gentle and soothing. Tearing away your blinders and opening your eyes to Truth.
[pullquote]He is good. And all is done in love. Even the painful things.[/pullquote]
This past summer was fiery. I was forced to walk away from some of the greatest desires of my heart.
But I am believing the God I serve has something better in store for me than the things I wanted. I believe He has things of lasting value. Things that will bring Him honor and glory, for He is worthy of it all.
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Love your faith filled thoughts coupled with your gut wrenching questions. I have the same questions and feelings, currently looking for hope and a way to keep the faith.
I wish I could believe it. But I’m so weary, so tired of all we’ve been through. Where is the healing for a broken heart when my hope is continually dashed?
[and if you wonder why I have commented so much on your blog tonight it’s because I identify with or understand so much of what you’ve written. It speaks to me things that a good friend might say, if I only had one to say such things]
so God bless you
Oh, Hannah. How I understand! There is a certain kind of weariness that comes with lost dreams. I’ve said the exact same thing. I am just. so. tired.
But God gives rest to the weary. And that is a promise that I’m clinging to!
I’m so glad for your comments. It’s such a blessing to know that others are experiencing the same things.
This is so true! Looking back God’s plan is so far above what I could ever have imagined! But when it’s unfolding it’s sometimes hard and scary. He has an amazing Way of totally filling our hearts but at the same time making me trust, let go, and be transformed. Thank you for writing; it really blesses me. Someone recently sent me Pain Redeemed-it’s so good!
Grace- I’m so glad you enjoyed the book! and the post. 🙂 Many blessings, friend.
Thank-you! Well-written, inspiring and encouraging.
Ah yes. Thank you. I’ve had some teary moments lately, of loneliness, disappointment, discouragement and, perhaps worst of all, confusion. This is good. Thank you.
Beautiful.
As always, my friend, beautifully written and powerful! Thanking God for you.
Thank you, dear Julie.
Life is really hard right now. But I know that I’m on the path that God wants me on and I’m actually making progress and not just treading water. I’m really tired, but I’m DOING things and not just stand still like a few years ago.
So glad, Symanntha. God will use this time. I know. {hugs}
All I can say…..with tears flowing…is ‘thank you’….sigh…..
So sweet! <3
Hi Natasha! Haven’t visited in awhile and so happy to see this (you) in my twitter feed. So happy you know the tender love of a good man. Believing with you for the things that are better than your dreams…of lasting value – yes!
I loved reading this, its true for me too. When I see our story, I see how God smashed all the little perfect pictures I had conjured in my head on what I thought I wanted and needed (fairy tale in some aspects) and replaced them with something so different, but better. A slow growing on me love thats perfect <3
Struck straight to the core and ministered to by your post. Seeing how God works when we have our “own” plans in mind. Thank you!
I am so thankful it blessed you, friend. {hugs}